Dad, Grandpa or Both

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. One reason is that it seems like the pandemic made the number of multi-generation families living under a single roof swell. And I'm not sure the economic state today is making that any better. It's actually common in other countries to have multiple generations in one house. In Brasil, it was very common or they had multiple generations right next to each other. And when I say right next to each other, I mean multiple houses sharing walls.

Another reason this has been on my mind is that as Jason and I get ready to launch Gadgets for Families, I've thought a lot about who our audience would be and this group of maybe less tech savvy folks trying to help raise this younger generation definitely came to mind. It brought back all of the memories I have of trying to raise my kids and navigate tech back then. It's more complicated now.

But probably the biggest reason I have had this on my mind is that I have my daughter and her three kids (ages 4, 3 and 1) living with me right now. We are over a year into this new adventure and I can tell you that it's nothing like I expected. Being a grandpa is not what I expected and I thought I would talk about why.

What do you think of when you think of grandparents? Depending on your family life, you may come up with things like vacations, sleepovers, candy, fun, holidays, over the river and through the woods. But others may have a different experience and this is something that is changing quite a bit.

I had very young parents and I remember spending a lot of time with my grandparents. I've shared some of my experiences with my grandpa tony in one of my podcast episodes. But it wasn't just him. I remember a lot of my grandparents as when I was born I was the 5th generation down one line and 4th down a couple of others. So I had a lot of them. I do remember all of the fun things but I also remember how much time I spent with them.

When it came time to get off the bus after school, I always hoped to see grandpa's jeep truck at the bus stop. That meant I didn't have to walk home but also meant there was a good chance I was heading to his house. I remember spending weekends at my Great Grandma's after my Great Grandpa died. She at burnt toast and grapefruit for breakfast. She could also peel an entire apple with a knife in one peel. On my wall in my office is a plaque of a story I wrote about her house that got published in a national high school paper. So there was significant influence there.

So skip forward to present day and how do I feel being a grandpa.  If I had to pick one word it would be blessed. But my second one would be exhausted. Let's explore why I say that.

What I Am Experiencing

Right now I'm trying to be dad and grandpa. I still have my youngest son at home. He is great and pretty independent at this point. But it's being both to those three little kids that I'm struggling with. I think there is a reason those are two separate roles. I also used to be firm subscriber to the spoil them and send them home philosophy. But now, if I give them every treat they ask for, I get to deal with them getting sick at my house.

Challenges

Trying to be the fun grandpa. This is supposed to be one of the best parts right? And I can do the fun stuff at times, but I find myself also having to discipline and say no way more than I ever thought I would as papa. It's not that I don’t want the kids to have or do things, but when you are around them 24x7 (I'm actually at home more than anyone else), you are just exposed to more opportunities to teach and help them learn about choices, responsibility and that we don't always get what we want.

Another big one is trying to keep up with them and everything else at the same time. I'm still trying to build a business and my wife works part time at the school. That's where she has seen so many kids from single parent homes struggle. We have a large house (good thing at the moment), but that comes with a large yard and all the work associated with it. Keeping up with it all is tough.

The other pieces is the financial stress. Kids are not cheap and feeding everyone keeps getting more and more expensive. Our daughter is contributing, especially now. One of the reasons we agreed to this arrangement is she went to and completed a certification program so that she can actually get a real job instead of something more temporary and less appealing.

But that leads into what is probably the biggest struggle I have - trying to balance letting my daughter parent but also feeling an obligation to do so as well. It's tough when you have very different philosophies. Just an easy example, the 3 year old is going through this whine about everything phase. Drives me crazy and I do my best to nip it in the bud. My daughter tolerates it and so that's tough. It's tough on her, me and on the kids because they aren't quite sure how to react. Seems like it should be easy to just get on the same page, but it isn't.

We are also feeling like we are re-training our daughter on how to manage life in general. We started off helping her figure out where to go career wise, helped with resumes, helped with budgets, tried to guide her on what to consider on things like where to live, etc. Even something as simple as helping her think through swimming lessons, teaching the kids to ride a bike, etc. All of those are things we are trying to support her in and not take over.
Thinking about all of this, it's no wonder that she feels overwhelmed and that single parent homes struggle to keep it all together.

Why We Do It

Sure it would be easier to say we just want to be grandparents, but my wife and I have both seen enough to know that kids in single parent families can have a really hard time. I'm not saying they all do, but many many do. And if we can do anything to help them have a better shot at thriving in life, then we are willing to do it. But it can be very difficult to know if we are doing enough to help or if we are doing too much (too much helping is not helping). Cause it isn't just the little ones that need to thrive. Their mom also needs to thrive and that's harder to figure out.

With the kids, it's all about giving them a solid foundation, making sure they feel loved and that they have a chance to thrive, not just survive. And I want to point out that it's not that their mother doesn't feel and show love to them. But even with us helping, she has a tough schedule. If we didn't have them here, it would be way worse. She would be working more hours (she already has two jobs), would have less favorable schedules and would spend even less time with them. She would be paying way more for daycare and the kids would be spending more time with others than with family. It's not that they couldn't thrive in that scenario, but it's tougher. And they are thriving now.

I've been sitting outside working for the last couple of hours while they played with Grandma. What would they be doing if they were in a daycare? Maybe playing, but it wouldn't be at their home with family.

Benefits

And there are some real perks to this. We have taking the kids camping so much that the oldest one comes home from a trip and asks when the next one is - and starts counting down the number of sleeps before we go again. On occasion the youngest convinces one or both of us (you know the look) to take him with us on date nights. His favorite restaurant is Texas Roadhouse. As soon as you put him in his booster he starts dancing to the music.

The other day I gave him something and he said tanks papa. First time those two words have been tied together. And all three of them went through periods of being my shadow.

For breakfast I eat a couple of pieces of toast and all three of them went through periods where they had to have toast with papa. These are the kinds of memories I would not have if they weren’t here with me. The youngest is actually sitting on my lap as I post this.

My Recommendations

So there are definitely some amazing times that I wouldn't trade for anything. But if you find yourself in the middle of or potentially headed into this kind of a situation, here are some suggestions.

First, make sure you and your wife are on the same page and give her the support she needs. Don't cut out things like date night. You can find ways to get it in even with the extra burden.

Second, do your best to make sure anyone else at home doesn't feel pushed aside. We have worried about this with our youngest as this has all been happening over the course of his senior year. I don't know if we balanced it all perfectly but we did our best.

Third, and this is probably the hardest one, work to find the right amount of support for the adults. As a general rule, don't let them abdicated responsibility. They have to be the parent and get better at it as you work through all of this. You have to work on teaching them self-reliance or you won't move things forward.

Fourth, when it's tough, constantly remind yourself of the relevance of what you are doing - you are building relationships of love that will last forever and giving the kids a chance to grow and thrive.

Fifth, do whatever you have to do to build relationships and help those kids thrive.

And finally, sixth, dial it back (vacations, time away, etc.) so that you can recharge and keep doing what needs to be done.

Wrap Up

I don't claim to know exactly what I'm doing and I'm sure I could have done a lot of things better, but I keep trying. The kids (adults and little ones) know they are loved and that we have their best interests in mind and we keep moving forward.