Episode 15: House “Repairs” & Fear
Welcome
Welcome to Leaders Lift, the podcast for everyone looking to get more out of life through leadership and personal development. I'm Greg Cunningham and I'm excited to share the next 30 minutes or so with you.
Intro 0:16
Today we have so much information available at our finger tips and the technology to access that information continues to evolve and be more accessible. There are tremendous benefits to this. Think about the first time home owner that has a drippy faucet but has no idea to fix it. Sure they can call a plumber. Or they can look on youtube and odds are there is a step by step video walking them through how to fix their problem on the exact model of faucet. I recently went through that exact situation, except this is not my first home and you would think I already knew how to do that.
If that's what you are thinking, you are probably right. But there is one thing that has held me back from learning how to handle most things around my house. That is fear. Specifically the fear that no matter how simple it is, I will make things worse. And to a certain extent that fear is justified. One time in houston our main water shut off valve to the house wasn't working completely. I thought I just needed to tighten it up so we didn't have to go out to the street to shut the water off when doing any repairs. Well, long story short, I got the water to turn off alright. But then couldn't get it to turn back on. Luckily I had a good friend who came over and helped me get things right so we could have water in the house. Always grateful for good friends.
And that's not the only time this kind of thing has happened.
Even with those experiences, I should not have let fear keep me from learning some of those core skills. Not only did it cost me money as I had to pay others to do a lot of things I could have done myself, but it also took away great learning experiences.
I've been thinking about and trying to recognize the fear that has been impacting me of late and today I'd like to talk about fear or worry (I'll use those terms interchangeably). I've got a few stories I'm sure I will weave in (beyond story time) and then we can dive a bit deeper. I also want to chat about how fear relates to a few of the recent topics I have covered, particularly control (episode 14) and imposter syndrome (episode 10). I hope this episode will help you recognize your fears (particularly the ones that hold you back) and the impact they are having on your life and give you some ideas on how to work through them.
Pre-Roll
Before I share a story about battling through fear, just a reminder to subscribe or follow the show. Also, sharing the show out or leaving a review wherever you are listening is a great way to help others find the show. I'd also love to know topics you'd like me to cover in the future. You can provide feedback anytime by going to https://www.mtneboconsulting.com/contact. That link as well as other resources for the show can all be found in the show notes.
Story Time 03:03
I've mentioned several times just how much we love camping. Last year we spent something like 70 nights sleeping in our camp trailer and I would love to exceed that this year (we will see). One year as Scoutmaster, I spent 27 nights sleeping in a tent (not high on my list of things to do again). With all of that, how much fear do you think I have of camping? Spoiler alert, there is actually quite a bit. It starts when I take the trailer out of storage and goes until I winterize it and store it for the year. I start out being afraid that over the winter something will have gone badly wrong (frozen pipes, leaking seals, animals or other pests got in and made a mess, etc) and ends with me being afraid that I won't have winterized and stored it correctly and that will cause issues.
In between I worry about breaking down while traveling, something going wrong on a trip (more on that in a bit), being able to back into a campsite (sounds funny but it's a real thing), going to a new campground and the list goes on and on. And don't get me started on the worries about taking my bike on the trail :)
So if the list of worries is so long, why do you still camp? That's easy - there is no other form of recreation I enjoy more. A long camping trick at an amazing campground with loads of bike riding, that's how I dial it back (even with that list of worries). So there is a cost benefit analysis that I have done either consciously or sub-consciously that has helped me work through those fears and generally push them aside to continue doing something I love.
That has been one of the key things - recognize that if I gave in to this particular set of fears, I wouldn't never go camping and that would have a significant impact on my physical and mental health.
Another key thing that helped me push past this fear was having others around me. I know that sounds funny coming from an introvert but I'm not talking about hundreds of people. When I was Scoutmaster, I had amazing assistants and other leaders that were always on the campouts with me. They all had skills and knowledge that I didn't have and we worked together as a team to make sure things went well. I also learned to rely on the boys we had trained and that took off some of the worries.
And the final piece (at least until we dive in later) is that I had to let time and experience alleviate some of my worries and then draw upon those experiences in the future. Let me explain that one just a bit.
When we bought our first camp trailer, it was really the first time I taken a trailer out on my own to camp with it. Instead of going to a campground which would have had other people, amenities and all that, we pulled it up the canyon close to our home. Now, we weren't far from town so that was good but we were still isolated and had no cell signal. So it was really on us (my wife and I) to figure out how to make it all work. We had about an hour orientation on the trailer and that was it. We didn't know how long the batteries would last, how much of the water we would use, if the pipes would freeze or the propane run out (it was still early in the season so it froze over night). We didn't know what kinds of things (tools, accessories, food, etc.) we might want to have. Everything was an unknown. But we went and we were excited to do so.
I really struggled to sleep that whole two or three night trip. I would hear the heater kick on and found myself using the timer on my watch to see if the heating cycles were consistent and then checking the thermostat to see if it got up to temperature. I would hear the hot water heater kick on and think "ok - at least there is some hot water in the system so hopefully the pipes won't freeze). I'd also regularly check the batter levels to see if they were draining.
To shorten this up, this went on for the whole trip. Nothing went wrong. The batteries lasted. Nothing froze and we had a great trip.
What I have found since then is that I go through something similar, though not quite as extreme, the first night of almost every camping trip. Until I've settled in and been reminded of how everything is supposed to work, I have a lot of worries. But that seems to take less and less time. And in fact, last season I only remember being anxious early in the season and then the very last trip we took. Beyond that I settled in nicely.
I have learned that my favorite time of year to camp is Spring and Fall. Yes the weather is great. The mountains are amazing. But there is another reason those times are my favorite - those are the times when I don't need the heater and/or the AC in the trailer. So those are two things that I don't have to worry about (particularly the heater which is a bigger deal if it's freezing).
I've also learned that I don't watch too many videos where folks talk about all the things that go wrong with their RVs. It's just too high a price for me since it triggers my anxiety.
So maybe that's the final lesson for storytime - if you know what triggers worry and fear, try and avoid the triggers. If you can't find ways (like me remembering all the times things went well) to try and push those fears aside. We are going to talk more about this as we go through the episode.
Little Lift Recommendations 08:58
Let's get a couple of little lift recommendations. I have two today. First, if you are looking for a better way to listen to the podcast (for example if you are listen on the web) or if you keep wondering what the shownotes are, I thought I'd share with you how I listen to podcasts. There are a lot of good podcast players out there but the one I use is Overcast. It's one of the single purpose apps I use that I pay a subscription for. Now you don't have to. It's free with adds (and these are not the kind of adds you find in free games). But it has several features that I enjoy. It has a feature called smart speed that basically helps you move faster through a podcast without speeding up the voice (you can do that to). Basically it helps remove the dead spaces or silences. But the one reason I would mention it to you is how well it does show notes. If you are listening in overcast, you can swipe the cover art to the left and that takes you directly to the show notes. Then in the shownotes, there are direct links to the different timestamps and other web links I put in the shownotes. So let's say you want to skip to a particular segement of the episode. If I have listed it in the show notes it will have a timestamp and you can just tap on it and it takes you right there. Same with the weblinks.
The second recommendation I have is a new podcast that is launching today. It's a tech oriented podcast I'm doing with a good friend from Houston. It's called gadgets for families and is for anyone looking to get more out of life (sound familiar) through tech. Here is a short clip and I'll have a link to the show in the shownotes or you can search for Gadgets for Families in your podcast player.
Gadgets for Families Clip 10:52
Fear, Control and Imposter Syndrome 12:57
For just a couple of minutes, let's talk about how fear relates to some of the other topics I have covered recently. First, imposter syndrome.
For me, imposter syndrome is rooted in fear. Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that someone will find out that I'm a fraud. Fear that my knowledge and experience isn't worth anything. Fear that all my successes in the past were just flukes. That's a few of the fears that drive imposter syndrome. If I look back on my life there are times when I can see that these fears led me to stay comfortable and maybe not go after a goal or something in my life that would have been achievable. The getting comfortable part is something I wish I had identified much sooner in life. I think we get comfortable with being comfortable because it's a lot less work and there is a lot less fear when compared with getting out of your comfort zone and finding ways to grow and progress. If you want to more on this topic, check out episode 10.
There other topic I have covered recently that is related to fear is last weeks topic of control. I don't know if it's the same but when I feel out of control that always corresponds with fear. I've mentioned that I love to mountain bike. But I don't like to go crazy fast and I don't do the huge jumps and drops that many, many people get into mountain biking for. The main reason I don't do that is because when I get going fast enough or take on those kinds of things, I don't feel like I'm in control. I know that's a trigger so I just don't do it. I ride a ton but I ride less intense trails and I let people pass me when they want to go faster. Quick story - one of my favorite trails in Utah is the WOW trail in Heber. Sounds great right. It's an amazing ride as you descend about 2700 feet and you get to see all kinds of different parts of the mountain. Swap, pines, quakies, rocky desert and more. It's a blue trail but it's about 11 miles long (depending on where you start and end). I've done it dozens of times. One time we drove up just for a day trip. My wife dropped me off at the top and then was going to hang out at the bottom. Well, I kind of felt bad asking her to sit and wait for me so I tried doing the trail faster than normal. There is a big uphill section of the trail that I normally just pace myself on but this time I pushed it and was pretty tired after only a couple of miles in. But I still wanted to move quickly so I took the downill fast as well. At one point I was on a straight section with some dips and rises and was going too fast. Next thing I knew I was going over my handle bars and landed hard on my hip. The crash was hard enough that my apple watch fall detection was triggered and it was ready to call emergency services for me. I didn't need that but I was pretty banged up. It took several months before my hip was back to normal. I was able to finish the trailer without further incident but that was a good lesson for me in making sure I stay within myself. That experience reinforced that I need to be conscious when I'm riding of making sure I'm not out of control.
Notice that fear of crashing made we want to have more control. Now, in mountain biking there are a lot of things you can control (most are about you and how you are riding). But in life, that's not always the case. Our tendence though is to try and insert more control when fear kicks in. In many instances, this can actually make things worse. Why? Because as we talked about in last weeks episode, when we focus on things we can't control, it creates frustration and we lose sight of the things we she be focused on. In this story, I lost focus on the real reason that I was riding - and that was to get some exercise and enjoy one final ride on that trail. Instead I focused on my wife being upset that she was waiting for me (she wasn't and was actually surprised when I made it to the bottom that I was there already) and so let the things I could control (my speed, attention to the trail, etc) go. There the result was a crash that impacted my riding for several months. In life, combining all of these things can become a negative self-reinforcing circle. Fear, drives a need for control, which moves our focus away from the right things, which increases frustration and inhibits progress which then increases the fear, which drives a need for control…need I go on?
I hope that gives you an idea of the tie in from these other topics. Be sure to go back to those episodes if you haven't had a chance to listen to them yet.
Mid-Roll
Before we dive deeper into today's topic, just a reminder to subscribe, follow, share and rate the show. Also, if you are looking for resources to help in your leadership or personal development journey, be sure to check out the show notes. You'll also see there a couple of they ways you can help support the show through our Patreon membership or even by dropping a tip for a particularly good episode or topic through our Venmo link.
And don't forget to check out my new podcast, Gadgets for Familes, to get more out of the tech in your life.
Let's Talk About Fear 18:24
Fear as Warning
One of the first things I want to address in this section of the show is that there are some types of fear that are actually healthy. I won't try and name them all but think about those kinds of fears that trigger our defense mechanisms. For me, if a hear the rattle of a rattlesnake while I'm out on a trail, there is definitely a fear trigger that kicks in and then I’m much more cautious. If I'm on a bike trail I'm familiar with and I know there is a tricky section, just enough fear kicks in to help me be cautious and not get out of control so I can be safe. So those are some examples of how fear can be a good thing in our lives. But what I really want to get into is the kinds of fear that holds us back.
Fear of Success
One fear that comes up with me sometimes is a fear of success. If you immediately raised your eyebrows and went "what is he talking about", I don't blame you. Several weeks ago when I released the episode on personality styles, I decided to put in a promo on my personality styles package. As I went to record that in the episode I started to get afraid of success. My thoughts were something like "what if I put this in and it goes viral and I get hundreds of clients". Good problem to have right? Not in my brain. I started to think of how I would process all the orders, review all the reports, schedule and conduct the coaching sessions all while maintaining my world class quality and handling everything else that I need to do. I was afraid of success. Now I did work through it and the way I did that was my reminding myself that the odds of that episode going viral and generating tons of referral business was so low I couldn't measure it. I also reflected back on my previous experience in other similar situations.
That all being said - if someone out there wants to share that promo with their vast audience or circle, feel free. I've overcome the fear. Go for it.
But there are other ways to be afraid of success. What will success do to me? Will it change who I am? Will it impact my family? What if, what if, what if.
What if actually applies to almost everything we are afraid of or worry.
Fear of Failure
What about the opposite of success? Are we afraid of failure? A lot of us are. What if I fail? What will it do to my reputation? What will be the financial impact? What will it do to my family? Will I be able to over come it? What will my family and friends think of me? What will those around me think? If any of those statements go through your head, they are related to fear of failure.
And maybe a big one, is worrying about living up to the expectations of others. Maybe that actually encapsulates most or all of these fears of failure. I've talked about the dangers of trying to be who everyone else wants us to be. This is one of the big challenges with it.
Fear of Being on the Wrong Path
Have you every been worried you were following the wrong path. I would say that's a kind of fear. This one manifests itself in a variety of ways.
One way that the world focuses on is fear of missing out. I'm sure you have heard of it as FOMO. I need to just keep scrolling on social media in case there is a really good post. If I silence my notifications, I might miss and important app notification. If I take some time off, I might miss out on an important account. Etc. etc. etc.
Another way this one manifests itself is related to the phrase the grass is greener on the other side. How many of you worried that you maybe missing out on an opportunity (professional, personal, etc) that might be better than your current one? A few years ago we booked a campground for our anniversary trip to Twin Falls ID. Neither of us had been there and we had no idea what the campgrounds were like. I did a bunch of research and eventually booked a campground that was great. But I remember when I was doing it wondering if this was the best one or if there was another I should be looking at. Getting caught up in something like that could mean you never figure it out. I know that when you book trips to Utah State Parks you really don't have time to decide which spot might be the absolute best. Spots book up so quickly that if you wait even a few minutes, you could be without a spot. So if you let worry or this grass might be greener delay you, you don't get any grass.
Sometimes this also prevents us from completely embracing what we are experiencing. If we are constantly wondering if there is something better out there, then we don't give our all in what we do have and that makes it unlikely for us to get the most out of that situation.
Let's say that you have two job offers and finally decide on one. You dive in and start working and immediately start thinking about how things would have been in the other job. Did I make the right choice? Should I have gone the other way? What am I missing out on? If those thoughts occupy your minds, are you giving the job you took 100%? Or let's say you go to a movie theater and you and your spouse decide to see separate movies. If you spend the whole time texting asking what's going on in the other movie, what are you missing out on?
This is another one that has an opposite. Some also are afraid that the grass won't be greener on the other side. If you think of me booking the camping trip, maybe I wouldn't even go because I couldn't guarantee that the spot or campground was going to be awesome. How many times do we miss out on what could have been amazing experiences just because we are afraid there isn't any green grass. Do we pass up experiences, jobs, adventures, etc. just because we are afraid or worry about whats on the other side.
Fear Holding Us Back
That leads me into the next topic which is the impact of fear. There are a lot of impacts and I'll reiterate that if anxiety or fear are controlling your life, please get the professional help that you need.
But in a lesser context, fear is one of the biggest things that holds us back. It makes it more difficult to take risks, even well calculated and thought out risks. It prevents us from trying new things. Remember when they started making Bertie Bots' Every Flavor Jelly Beans? They really did mean almost every flavor. How many would not try them for fear of what flavor they would end up with. I tried them and got some great flavors. I also got some really nasty ones and they tasted exactly like you would expect them too. I know that's kind of a simple example but how often do we let fear hold us back from sampling life, from going after what we want most in life.
I mentioned the new tech podcast I'm doing. That's something I've been talking about doing for years but I just didn't pull the trigger. There was some imposter syndrome there, but I was also afraid of not being able to get it going, how much work it might be, etc. Now, we are just launching so I have no idea how it will go, but recording the episodes has reminded me just how much I love tech and made me wish I had pulled the trigger years ago.
Another example of fear holding us back is related to how much of a our world we explore. I know a lot of folks that grew up in small towns and deliberately decided to live there the rest of their lives. That's great for them. I know a lot of others that didn't leave or look to experience anywhere else because of first. The first reason is great. The second is something to be reconsidered. When we decided to move to Houston, there was a lot of fear. Everything from driving young kids halfway across the country, to choosing where to settle in Houston. But we went. It was an amazing experience. Now we have moved back to Utah but are considering another move to warmer weather. There is a lot less fear because we worked through many of those fears moving to Houston.
Right now I have ideas for a couple of books and another very different business idea as well as thoughts on a third podcast. So the question is, will I let any of the fears we have just discussed hold me back? Time will tell.
How to Work Through Fear
I'd like to wrap up by sharing a few ideas on how to work through fear. Now please understand that I am not an expert in this. I deal with the kinds of fear and worry mentioned above every day. If I knew how to just turn the fear off, all those new business ideas would be realities already. What I hope you will get from this section are some ideas on how you can apply the things I'm working to implement in my life.
Suggestion number one: recognize the fear when it comes and recognize if it’s the good kind of fear (jumping out of this tree is a bad idea) or the kind that is going to hold you back.
Suggestion number two: recognize that fear comes and continues to grow when we focus on the negative. If you think about the questions in the previous sections, especially those around fear of failure, did any of them have a positive spin? No. All of them focused on the bad side of things. Things that could go wrong or that might make the situation more difficult.
Suggestion number three: shift your focus from the negative to the positive potential. Even if this doesn't go well, what will I learn from the experience? It could be something that simple. I saw a meme this week and I know this has been around and I'm not sure who the original author is but I have it on my phone home screen:
"Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being excited about what could go right." It's a great idea to let that excitement build and help you overcome the fear. For me, the excitement of trying a new campground and riding new bike trails helps me overcome all the worries that I mentioned in story time.
Just a note on this one: as you start down a new path, especially one where you had to overcome fear, you will need to remind yourself to manage the fear when things get tough. At least I know I do. If I start on a new trail and the climb gets tough or there is a section early on that makes me nervous, I have to remind myself of the reasons I decided to take the trail in the first place.
Suggestion number four: remind yourself that most things in life are not final. That goes for decisions, situations, etc.
Suggestion number five: watch for and take advantage of situations that force is to work through our fear. Think of taking that new business idea and running with it after laid off. Maybe being laid off is just the push you needed to take the step forward. This one I can relate to.
Suggestion number six: you know me, I can't go an episode without talking about being deliberate. In this case, deliberate build a plan that leads to overcoming the fear and a successful outcome. In this plan, first identify the positive outcomes or results and how to get there. Let yourself think about what your life will be like (how much more you will get out of life) if you make this happen. In thinking about starting this podcast and my business, I got excited thinking about the flexibility and financial stability that could come from doing so. It's not that I ignore the negatives (like long hards, slow growth, financial investment), in fact, that's next.
Then identify the downsides. I see two categories of downsides: first those that are unlikely and then those that will probably happen. For the unlikely ones, don't put too much energy into them but at least be aware of the outcomes of those things do happen and how you would deal with it. For those that are likely, spend more time figuring out how to deal with and/or mitigate them. You also want to include in here what you will learn if things don't go well and decide if that in and of itself is worth the risk.
In a previous episode I talked about spending more time on your strengths than potential pitfalls. I'd say the same thing here. Don't spend so much time on these possible downsides that you lose sight of the potential upsides. If you quicky realize that no amount of positives will ever outweigh the downsides, then at least you have that information. But if you never look at the potential positives (and get excited about them), you will never move forward.
One other key piece of this plan is to get educated. Don't let your imagination run away, either to the positive or negative side. Do your research. There is so much information out there. Then let that information influence your potential positives as well as the potential downsides. Education is one of the ways that I have been able to put aside some of my worries when camping, or at least make them more manageable. The same with bike riding. I used to get very anxious about getting stuck on that long trail and having to either hike out or get help if I had a flat or two or something else happened with the bike. That is still a risk, but it's a pretty low one because I have learned how to better handle emergency maintenance on a trail.
Suggestion number seven (the last one for now): remember what we talked about in the last episode about plans and control. No matter how good our plans are going to be, they don't give us full control. To overcome fear, I think it's even more important that you have a lego set type of plan, one that has all the blocks you need to put together in whatever way is needed, vs. having a plan that you think you will follow perfectly. Have all of the pieces in this plan, but be ready and flexible to adapt to the new fears, worries and situations that pop up as you move forward.
One Final Story
Let me end with one more story. As I pulled my camp trailer out of storage, I started doing the maintenance. To make a long story short (you can hear a more extended version in the Gadgets for Families launch episode "The Lost Layoff Tickets & Which of Us is a Superhero), I found a leak in the plumbing and I have a hot water heater that I can currently use. Now, my first inclination was that my camping for the season is done and I might as well cancel our reservations. My second thought was that those thoughts were ridiculous and that we could still camp in most places without water in the trailer (my sister does this quite often). But then I realized that I was letting this one negative situation ruin what is one of the most important ways that I dial life back and spend time with my family (my granddaughter is always counting down how many sleeps to our next camping trip). So I started thinking through the positives. Things like having water in the trailer, having hot water to shower as I needed to instead of using the campground showers, being able to pull the trailer up the canyon where it has to be self-contained, etc. Then I moved onto the planning stage. First, I have the tools to fix the leak and I believe I know how to do it. Then the fear of making it worse popped in. To which I responded to myself that I wouldn't be any worse off as I just wouldn't be able to use the water (which is the case right now anyway). But I would also learn what it was like to repair a leak and worst case, would know what not to do next time (there is always a next time with RVs).
So last Saturday, my wife and I went in and worked on the leak. Did it go smoothly? Nope. Took longer than expected. I have tons of scratches on my hands. But guess what? It worked. No leak. And I know what to do better when the next one comes.
For the hot water heater, I've actually tried a few different things and with no luck. I keep experimenting because worst case scenario I have to buy a new heater or have a certified technician come in and take a look. But the good news is that with the leak fixed, I can get the trailer out and camp and just heat water on the stove as needed. But I still have the vision of having the hot water in my trailer. Regardless of how that gets resolved I will have learned from the journey.
Wrap Up 35:59
That's it for today. As I have been talking about fear, I would hope that you have recognized any of those fears, big or small, that are holding you back from getting more out of your life. Things that hold you back from that great experience, new opportunity or even from a learning experience.
I hope you will remember that most of our decisions in life are not final and that it's ok to let yourself get excited about the potential positives that can come when you don't let fear hold you back.
Post-Roll
If you have any suggestions or feedback on this episode, feel free to reach out on any of places where you follow me or by using the contact us form. If you want to support the show, check out my Patreon or Venmo options.
Until next week, go out there and lift someone (even if its yourself) work through those fears that are holding you back.
Show Notes
Summary
If I think of the various things that can hold me back from getting the most out of life and being the kind of leader I want to be, fear is one that comes to the top of my mind. Over the last few weeks I've been working on identifying the types of fear that have held me back over the course of my life and those fears that may be holding me back right now.
In this episode I talk about the types of fears (or worries) that can hold us back from reaching our fullest potential. That impacts our lives and those around us. Join me for stories and the discussion on those fears and some suggestions on how to overcome them.
Approximate Time Stamps
Intro and House Fixes 0:16
Story Time 3:03
Little Lift Recommendations 8:58
SPECIAL: Gadgets for Families Clip 10:52
Fear, Control and Imposter Syndrome 12:57
Let's Talk About Fear 18:24
Wrap Up 35:59
Key Takeaways
Fear can be a major factor in us not meeting our potential
Some fears are good
Fear of success
Fear of failure
FOMO
Fear of being on the wrong path
We can overcome fears if we can develop our own process to do so
Resources
Gadgets for Families Tech Podcast
Ways to Support the Show
Patreon for membership options
If you're not ready for a membership but enjoyed this episode and have a few bucks in Venmo, we appreciate the support.
@mtneboconsulting on Venmo
Share the show to others
If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to subscribe and/or rate or provide a review
Intro and outro music licensed thru Music Radio Creative
Transition sounds by @clever_violin